Disastrous New Beginnings
As the days and weeks went on, things at home seemed to reach the same dynamic from before my enlistment. I was tired and frustrated of feeling like I couldn’t be myself and do my own thing. Life at home became routine and sedentary, I wasn’t moving forward and homelife was tense. I felt as if my mom never really understood me and that was the root of many of our problems. That was the root of All of My Problems.
I feel that at a very young age I figured out that we were very different because we came from different upbringings. But unfortunately for me, this was one sided. I don’t think that she ever saw things that way. She expected me to see things the way she did and expected for me to do things the way she did them or would have done them.
It didn’t take long for me to feel trapped again, and I wanted to flee my hometown and my home. Re-connecting with this old high school classmate was probably the only outlet I had at the time. And the timing was just terrible. Like I said before, I knew that this connection was not a good idea, but it was really the only real socialization and connection I had post discharge. I think that we were both in a similar place, he felt alone in his new military life, and I felt alone not being in that military life. We seemed to find comfort in each other.
Our friendship grew fast into a relationship, that I knew deep inside it was wrong. I know that many didn’t agree including my family. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I had a falling out with him is because he dated someone close to me and things went south. I know that my desperation really blinded my judgement and conscious. I did reach out to her and asked for her blessing, and she gave it to me, but even then; things didn’t feel right. Non- the less I moved forward with it. Every time I look back to when I have made poor decisions, it seems that they are times when I have gone against my gut or my morals. But I didn’t seem to care to listen to them anymore. Because they had severely failed me before.
How long does it take to fall in love? What is the time line for engagement? Is love always a factor to marriage? I don’t think that there is a solid answer for those questions, but I do know that it is subjective. For me in that moment in time I feel like I was blinded by the pain that I was in. I know that I wanted to feel whole again, but I didn’t really know what that meant. When I was proposed marriage, it wasn’t a romantic gesture. It was a proposal of an idea. Although we did throw around the words and ideas of love. I believe that ultimately it was a helping gesture from one “friend” to another. He suggested marriage and explained how I would also have benefits to be treated and be able to re-enlist. During this time, he was super supportive and caring. He was always showing me off and bragging how I was a Marine. And honestly, that was probably the easiest way to my heart in that moment in time. And I believe he knew that. And I fell for it. Because all I wanted was to go back to my Marine Corps so badly.
When we broke the new of our engagement to everyone not one person was happy with our decision. Not one person. I remember we bought a wedding band set at the mall at the silver stand. And that was it, we were determined to get married. My mom gave her blessing with th condition that I couldn’t leave the house with out a church wedding. So, we moved forward and got married with that agreement in place. We got legally married before he deployed and then I would plan the church wedding during the time he was gone.
The day of our “wedding” most everyone refused to show up. The only people that showed up were my mother, brother and two best friends that luckily happened to be home on leave. I was the only one that was shown support, only my side attended. I know they attended reluctantly though. We went shopping for a dress that morning, and it should have been a sign, but I couldn’t find not one white dress in any fucking store at the mall. So, I got married in a black and pink dress. And afterwards we went out for burgers. That was my wedding. My impulsive commitment to someone that I hardly knew, someone I didn’t get along with for a long time. Someone I didn’t believe was a good person. I made a decision thinking that anything and any place would be better than where I was in that moment. The truth was, it wasn’t about the physical location I was in. Sure, it wasn’t pleasant or comfortable, but all of this was deeper than that. It was about the emotional and mental place I was within myself. I was hurting, I was lost, and I was lonely. And that was a recipe for the beginning of a disastrous new beginning.