While talking to my therapist we went down this perfectionism rabbit whole. We started the session trying to figure out why I was so sad. And I couldn't really figure it out. As we began unpacking, I realized that I was feeling weak and powerless. He asked me to describe characteristics of strength, and as I was listing them he pointed out that I was all those things. I said "a strong person is smart, hardworking, honest, and self-aware/accountable". When he asked me to describe a strong person, I blurted out "PERFECT!". He quickly reminded me that there is no such thing as perfection. I know that it is difficult to undo the damage that has been done to me all my life, this idea of perfection began a long time ago and is deep rooted within me. I started with my dad when all A+'s and one A was not good enough. A's were not good enough. I didn't get a pat on the back for my hard work and accomplishments. On the contrary I had to work harder and do better. So, I've grown up with that complex. Although my father passed when I was 8 years old, it still took a toll on me. My mother was not the same in that sense, but she also instilled a lot of doubt in me growing up and even now as an adult. She too has made me feel as though I am not good enough or am a good daughter. I know that I am not perfect, but I know that I have always tried my best to be a good daughter. Somehow that hasn't been good enough. Fast forward to the future where I join the Marine Corps. (Hoorah! which I love), but also an institution that strives on perfection because we are the best of the best. Most of my life I have been surrounded by environments that push and expect the most. The most current situations that have made me feel this way again was my last employer, that complained about every single thing I did. Even when I did things the way he asked me to do them. It was never good enough or correct. I would compare my studies to the lead techs and somehow I was still wrong. It caused me stress and anxiety and I left there feeling like a failure. Every single shift I felt like a failure. And their is still the situation with my falling out with my family. The fact that no matter how much I fought to keep us together and all the things I did for my family it was not good enough to continue to love me and support me. So, as I try to heal this broken inner child of mine, this cycle keeps recurring in my adult life. I know that I am not perfect and will never be perfect. Because no one is. I still have that little itch and voice in the back of my head telling me I could do better, I could be better. I should have ran one more mile. I should have gotten a better grade. I should have done one more study. It is almost never good enough, and it's really hard to not give into the voice. I know that there is no such thing as perfection and I also know that no matter how much I try or how hard I work at something it is not going to change the way my dad, or anyone else has looked at me. Bottom line I need to be happy with myself and really appreciate what I bring to the table and who I am. Perfection is not real, and although there is always room for improvement. I am perfect just the way I am.
